Finding Home – Listening

Sep 22, 2019

Here we are with a sermon and service all about listening, and there is so much going on in the service! The paradox is clear. I know. 

How are we to listen, Reverend Rebecca, when there is so much to listen to, so much worthy of our attention? I’m still thinking about Kristen Miller’s beautiful description of the mindfulness bell, the guided meditation from Joanna Macy, and Stella Okaya’s powerful testimonial “Why We Strike.” How do I listen when my mind and heart are so full? 

It sounds like life, doesn’t it? 

Learning what and who to listen to, when to listen, and how long to listen are difficult decisions we face daily, perhaps hourly. And that doesn’t even get to the question of how to listen.  

Listening is a big topic, more complex than it may appear at first glance. Listening is essential to connection and is critical to the journey of our lives, personally and together. Listening is a pathway home. Home, as I use it here, is when we feel safe, known, and accepted. When we feel at home, we are willing to be challenged, willing to learn and to change. “Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition,” writes James Baldwin. 

Far and away the most common question I am asked by congregants and newcomers is “How do I connect?” 

“It’s a big congregation and only growing larger, 

how do I get to know people?”

“There’s so much going on here, 

how do I learn how to get involved?” or, 

“There is so much going on here,

 how do we get people to know what we are doing?”

However it’s asked, people are longing for connection. 

We are a large congregation with nearly 460 members and growing. There is a lot going on. It can be overwhelming to learn how to get involved and challenging to let people know about your activities.  All true, and I have to wonder whether it is any different here from the rest of our lives, any different here from the way it is in the world?

I’m not saying there aren’t things we can do better. There are things we can do better, and we will do them better – together. Still I ask, don’t we all want to know how connect with ourselves and others better?  Haven’t we all at times, wondered if we belong or who is listening to us? Don’t we all want to feel at home?

Even with more ways to connect than ever before, including social media, texting and video conferencing, loneliness and isolation are endemic in the United States.

Technology and the pace of life aren’t failing us. What’s failing is how we are listening to ourselves and others, or perhaps not listening. “Listening moves us closer, it helps us become more whole, more healthy, more holy. Not listening creates fragmentation, and fragmentation is the root of all suffering,” says Margaret Wheatley. 

Before I go further, I need to distinguish between a person’s hearing and listening. Hearing corresponds to a person’s ability to hear sound, tones and voices. Listening is entirely different. Listening is the ability to be present, attentive and connected to another person and to ourselves. 

Some of the best listeners I know have hearing aids or are actually deaf. My father is one of the best listeners I know. He was born deaf in one ear. Now in his eighties, he is more or less completely deaf and yet, I seek him out when I really need to be heard.”

Today’s sermon is about listening, to ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship, including family, friends and people in this congregation. The topic about listening to those who have opinions different from our own is very important . . . and for another sermon. I promise that sermon will come. 

We start by exploring how we listen to ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship, because how we listen to others is also how we listen or treat ourselves, and vice versa. 

If we are self-critical, we are sure to be critical of others. If we judge others when they speak, we can be certain that we also judge ourselves. If we become distracted when listening to our children or partner, it is likely that we have trouble sitting quietly with ourselves. 

For the longest time, it was hard for me to not suggest solutions when people talked. It was life changing when I realized that my tendency to offer solutions was actually a reflection of how I thought of myself, a person in need of fixing. As I learn to hold my own humanity, in its brokenness and brilliance, I am also able to bear witness to others’ humanity and their brokenness and brilliance. No need to fix anything. 

“Can we listen with our whole beings, not just our minds, and offer attention rather than our opinions?” writes Terry Tempest Williams.

We have to be able to listen to ourselves to be good listeners with others.  This means we have to take the time to listen to ourselves. But it’s more than taking the time to listen. We also need to develop the ability to access the neutral mind, a mindset free of judging, planning, and imagining or, at least, less filled with those things. 

Thich Nhat Hanh says that we are all tuned into an interior radio station called “Radio NST (Non Stop Thinking).” In his book Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise, Thich Nhat Hanh writes “Most of the time, our head is so full of thoughts that we have no space to listen to ourselves or anyone else. Silence allows for deep listening and mindful responses, the keys to full and honest communication.” 

To give myself permission to make the time to listen to myself and turn to a neutral mind, I had to realize that my body is a safe place to inhabit. That means feeling my feelings, old and new, and experiencing the life and energy as they flow. I am more effective, creative, and happy when I give myself time to listen to myself. Some of the best answers come during that time of quiet. 

As we listen to ourselves, we then better listen to others. We are present to them, without feeling a need to judge, fix, or interrupt them. They are free to be heard and we are free to hear. 

There are many ways to practice listening here at FRS. I want to explore just a few of them briefly. 

Chalice Circles are small groups that meet every two weeks at a set time over the course of one church year. Each group has a facilitator. All the groups focus on the same topic each month, usually connected to the monthly ministry team. These are safe spaces where you get to listen deeply, getting to know yourself and the people you are with on a much deeper level. 

Leaders and participants from last year’s groups said this about the experience:  

“It is deeply meaningful to connect and know others in this way.” 

“I loved getting to know more people at Church and being stimulated to think more deeply about most of the topics. I have a greater sense of belonging because of the group.”  And,

“It is not often that you get to express your feelings and actually have people listen, really listen, and then give them the chance to do the same, It makes for a great exchange of ideas.”

I hope you will consider joining a circle. It’s an experience you want to have. Sign-ups are next door in Parish Hall after the service.  

The Willing to Connect Program is another opportunity to get to know different people here. This Wednesday’s Steeple newsletter will include a link to a brief survey. If you are interested, complete the survey, and then Nicole Salemi and I do our magic and connect folks who don’t know each other. We’ll send you both a note connecting you, and then you take it from there. We’ve heard fabulous stories of new friendships and connections coming out of this. 

Here at FRS we also listen with actions. For example, this week we will be making one of our pews by the front entryway handicap accessible. This will allow our parishioners and visitors who use a wheelchair to worship with us and among us, and not off to the side.  

Our new sound system was a way of demonstrating through action that we want those with hearing aids to be able to hear what is said. Featuring Stella and having her share from the pulpit is transformative and essential listening. 

The big thing this year is our mission and vision work which you will hear a lot more about on October 6th. I am thrilled to see what happens as we listen to one another’s hopes and dreams for this beloved community. 

Listening is about creating genuine connections, yes. 

In the deepest sense of the word, however, listening is about love in action. It is about keeping each other company as we find our way home. 

Maya Angelou says, “The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are…”

May we all be brave and daring enough to listen, to ourselves, and those we care about, and may we do so walking each other home.

 

Questions to ponder, discuss and hold…

How do you listen to yourself?

What is one sign that you are not listening to yourself?

Which of the following pitfalls applies to your listening skills?

“Instead of listening, I…

Judge
Fix
Problem solve
Interrupt
Prepare my response
Get distracted
Multitask

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